So (so) Many Things

 So lost

In this sea

Of self loathing

Hatred for everything

That I’m made of till date

So broken

That even a man as complete as you

Couldn’t pull together

This mess I made

From my own pieces

So unapologetic

That I know I broke

Both our hearts into pieces

But too proud

To mend it this soon

So sad

That I can’t digest

How happy you make me

So teary eyed 

That I refuse to believe

How your eyes mirror

My own emotions

So flustered 

That to hear your voice

Say that it might be the last time

Rings over and over again

A melody of murder

A tune so close to my heart,

That my lungs run breathless

In jealousy

So preoccupied 

By my own insecurities 

That my eyes can’t see

The love you pave my ways with

So dull

That like darkness I consume

Whatever light

You reflected into my rusted ways

So demented 

That your sweet nothings 

Started to sound

Like a mockery

So heartless

That your love felt like sympathy

That you loved me because

You’ve tried so much to fix me 

And leaving it here would be a waste of time

So undone

That my mornings are empty

And my nights are overburdened

With guilt and remorse

So I love you,

That everything that I’ve ever thought of

Has always,

Will always,

Revolve around you.

And only you.

So I hate you,

For there is no way,

I can fix this,

Before fixing my own self.